the last row

Today I was prepared to go to church with a different mindset then previous weeks.
This may sound new to a few of you, but I had been allowing the church to frazzle me and frustrate me and then that effected my connection with God in that place. My church looks beautiful and the people are kind and the services are lied out well and it would seem like a well circulated Sunday morning.

Pickering Village United Church

Let me back up a bit..... I used to go to our youth room on Sundays instead of hearing the sermon, then I developed a new hunger for God and for the meaning of community in church. I joined in fellowship upstairs and it started off a very foreign place for me and quite intimidating. I kept forcing myself to go upstairs to the service and after some time I noticed my heart being quenched from it's thirst and my passion and hunger being satisfied and challenged. I loved church again. I started to notice something with my peers downstairs, I was called overly religious. I didn't understand and this made me a little self-conscious. Then I started seeing others at church more. It was as if my fantasy of a perfect church had ended. I saw the couples in the back more focused on them then Christ, I saw the elders who were more busy with talking about what sales they got on fabric more then conversations about the scripture readings, and I saw people standing for worship as if it were a hassle. This saddened me greatly. I felt like I WAS being 'overly religious'. It was strange for others to see a girl with such a longing for God. I was looked at weirdly for running after the person collecting morning offering when he missed me. Eyes widened when I lifted my hands in prayer or swayed in worship. I wanted these others to enjoy this too, I wanted them to want to be there with Jesus. I didn't realized that people were looking at me like that. I slowly stopped dancing and I mumbled the words and I slurred the prayers and I just looked around at all the others there and I let the broken church conform me.

Now then, back to the real reason for this novel....I went and talked to a friend about all this and she shared with me a gentle and jolting truth. If I was really truly worshiping God in that building, it wouldn't matter to me what other people were doing, because me, one audience and one focus would be God. So I should stop judging the church, because even though she's messed up and broken, so am I and I'm a part of the church and all her problems. Yet God loves her anyway. I thought about this and thought about it some more and I decided to make another attempt at this church.
Today I was late actually and that was a little embarrassing  but I was there nevertheless. I crept in through the back door and boy did it squeak open. What an entrance, but I side stepped over to a seat in the last row. I usually sit in the front center or front right by the organ so that it drowns out my terrible unpracticed singing! This time I was away from everything. No one could see me and I only saw the backs of peoples heads. There was this one couple to the left of me and the man had the deepest most amazing vocal abilities. I think he swallowed a tuba at one point in his life!
Since I was late I didn't have the little book thing that tells everyone what is going to happen this morning....so I was fumbling, trying to organize my bible, it wasn't the best time. Then the tuba man's wife got up and retrieved a book thing off of a seat and she got one for me and that was such a delightful surprise. It sure brightened me up. The sermon today was optimism vs. pessimism. I thought God had something in store for me. I liked being at the back. I could see the people and how in sink we all were with standing for songs and reading aloud the prayers. I would usually sit where the only person I could see would be the Minister and I would only hear the people sing and speak, but now I saw the church. I saw her. I looked around once and it was like my vision had been tampered with. I was so joyful, I saw the small families and the new mothers with their noisy babies and the elders plopped down with their canes booby-trapping the aisles. I saw our Minister glance around at us all and I knew that coming was a fantastic idea. And when I wanted to dance, I danced and I loved every minute. From the back row, I saw us, I saw our community, and she was glorious, messy and imperfect. I long for next Sunday, I long for the last row again. I have so much space back there to dance and stretch heavenward with open arms. I feel like I am the last one in the church and this makes me feel like the first one in God's court. I don't need to be in the front, so that others can see me and how I choose to worship. Because I could be in a closet worshiping and God would still be there. He is my only audience, and I long to be there for God.
After service I went to the bathroom to freshen up and I remembered when that same friend who gave me such an exhilarating wake up call, had walked out of service once at a church we had gone to together. She had her own conflict and passion raging within her from the specific sermon that day and she had left and went into a bathroom to be alone with Jesus for a while. I looked in the mirror just laughing and laughing and thought, man, she is so overly religious! I am glad there are a few like us in every church, to ask the hard questions and provoke many others and crave discussion and express such passion for Christ in more uncommon ways. It is a term I believe I can get used to.

cannot keep you

This is just my opinion and it is an opinion that is messy and unfinished and still on it's own journey, so bare with me.

I do not understand the bible. I do not understand the church. I do not understand a rosary. I do not understand the temple. I do not understand the cross necklace which lies around my neck.
I do not understand these things, because they seem at times like they are constricting Christ. Like if one does not hold onto a rosary while praying then their prays are not heard! Why would I worship my Lord in a temple where other idols were kept? The bible tries at times to box Him in ( and when I say this, I mean that personally after reading my Bible I have this uncomfortable satisfaction that I am done with Abba for the day! ).
The church tries to keep God there, in their walls. We leave Him there until the next Sunday gathering. It seems sometimes that I am only identified as a Christian if I wear this cross. This piece of metal I carry. Why? I have questioned many times, "can I talk about God? I do not have my Bible! What if I do not say it like it is written?!"
Am I less of a follower if I do not go to church every Sunday and I do not flip open my bible everyday and I do not wear my cross? These things, these objects and places do not keep You! O, God, there is no one like you! 
A church cannot hold you, a cross cannot proclaim to the world, and the bible cannot keep you. We try to make you visible to see and understand. You are everything in me which is good. You are everywhere. You know me inside and out. We as Your children cannot hold you either. We can only embrace You. Experience You in this world until you make a new heaven and earth. I want to find you in places no one would think to look. I want to find you in the wars of this world. Go into the places of hatred and sorrow and find You. God is not kept in anything! He is just there. Everywhere, in every aspect of life, in all the good, bad and ugly. There is no boundaries on God. I don't really know what to think about all of this! God, in everything?, nothing is just me and me alone!? Nothing is kept from Him!? I cannot leave Him in a book, or keep Him in a tent. Nope, because no one is like the Lord. I want Him to heal me from my blindness so that I see Him as Almighty, not in these earthly forms. Stop trying to read Him and listen to others try to unfold Him. He is God. Nothing can unravel Him. I love the challenge though. The conversations with many....without verses and proof and Minister's controlling the path of our curiosity. I like just talking as if it is our first encounter with God, because then it is a silent prayer asking God to come into our conversations and teach us Him and His limitless knowledge.
I can't really put a conclusion to this, because then in this post I would be trying to keep Him.....and this is still developing.
Try to think of God in a more open way, without a lock and key after looking over a verse of hearing a sermon. Gain your own messy perspective and bring it before Him. Not through anyone else! and see what happens!

sacred promises

Today in church the sermon was about what a home is. Our Minister talked about Bethlehem, the place in which Jesus was born. The word Bethlehem means 'the house of bread', and that is what they sold there. Many small markets even today, selling bread and other foods. But there is another translation to this word, 'the house of war'. Bethlehem had been dealing with a lot of war in the time when Mary and Joesph were traveling. Cruel armies were invading and corrupting this land. The same land that this Holy child would be born into. This would become the newborn's home. But it was already known of, from a long time ago in the form a great dream that someone would bring peace to Bethlehem with the power from the Lord.

"But you, O Bethlehem Ephrathah, who are too little to be among the clans of Judah, from you shall come forth for me one who is to be ruler in Israel, whose coming forth is from of old, from ancient days. Therefore he shall be given them up until the time when she who is in labor has given birth; then rest of his brothers shall return to the people of Israel. And he shall stand and shepherd his flock in the strength of the Lord, in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God. And they shall dwell secure, for now he shall be great to the ends of the earth. And he shall be their peace."

It had been prophesied in the book of Micah about 700 years before the birth of Jesus.

It was known that this would happen and the town of Bethlehem would play host to the Messiah. Their most powerful and beautiful King! This was a dream which promised peace and inspired hope for the world and this place. Bethlehem is the home of sacred promises.

"There is no comfort anywhere for anyone who dreads to go home."  -Laura Ingalls Wilder

A home is a place of safety and in which takes many unique forms. The stable for Mary and Joesph was their home, the town of Bethlehem which was splitting apart in war, was a home to many. These people had a home still, even in this time before the Christ child was born, because of this ancient promise, this snibbit of scripture that proclaimed a great change and new life within a broken town.
I ask you all to think a little longer and a little deeper when you glance over these words. Bethlehem, a house of war, was the place God chose for His son to be born into. A home, where one chooses and longs to be in. It is curious how these two words interconnect.

Basically God

I have been thinking lately about the new year approaching and what I want this year to focus on. One thing stuck out to me, "the basics of God". The main and obvious and great things that is God and is always God.
For a while I had been so focused on stretching my horizon and knowledge of this Being, then I thought about it in a more abstract way. A new measure on God, perhaps going backwards with the same growing hunger would benefit me more right now.?

If I were building a grand tower, the first thing built would be a strong foundation, a basic structure. Then the other blocks and bricks and cement to be placed on top. That would be the more elegant stone and creative design. But, over time a once strong foundation becomes weak and brittle. It will crumble if it's not tended to. The builder of such a tower has become quite skilled at the more strategically placed stone, that the bottom seems far too easy to go back and work on. But it is the basic that supports everything else. If the builder does not return to the basics of her tower, then it will fall, taking everything else beautiful with it. It loses it's strength.
The basics of God, of who I am in Christ is so powerful. It encircles all that can be discovered past this realization. All the new things I learn, as amazing as they are, I could of never been able to grasp such a knowledge without first knowing the beginning. Genesis! [1:27] I am made in His image, I am perfect in the sight of God.... Knowing also that God goes with me in trouble and ciaos [Deut. 31:6] The truth in knowing that God will fight for me [Exodus 14:14].....understanding what He asks of me in return! [Ex. 20:1-17] God's name is good, He brings my hope [Psalm 52:9]. To know His son and why He came! [John 3:16].
Simple verses that gave me an idea of who this Being was. An insight to a deeper way of living. Through the basic, I have found such beauty in Him and all His glorious works. Learning new things about God is so great, but there has to be a foundation for it to be placed on. To reflect back on and compare and identify with. God is not simple, He, in fact, has about 4 different dimensions, so I think that without going back and reviewing verses and stories such as these, there couldn't be a stronghold on anything new! Like in history, it must be known before anything else can exist.

Waking in the circle...

I miss camp so much right now, it makes my heart sore! I was thinking about the mornings. Up the hill in the pioneer circle. I went every morning to the archery field at 4am. My chalet mates caught on after some time and thought I was mad to just naturally wake up and willingly leave a warm bed to go into the cold air waiting outside. I loved this most though, I needed to be with Jesus then. Here is one of these mornings....

I wake and the cabin is dark. I peer up and see the opening at the front of the chalet, it is blue from outside, the sun in getting ready to journey heavenward. I slowly climb out of bed without waking anyone. Must. Get. Socks! Okay, and my sweats and thermals. Check and check. I take my bible and pen and tip-toe across the wood floor and down the steps. I go over the many roots that grab at my feet and trip me, far too often. I look up from the ground and see mist. It is hovering over the trail. I look to the right and see a deer in the forest staring at me, he keeps eating, while I keep walking on. The field is so open and green. The large gazebo looks like a most elegant temple. It is so grand and tall. It lays on top of a large rock. I feel strong when I place my feet on this solid rock. I feel like I just walked into His throne room. I sit and face east and view the trees. The sky is pink and orange now. The sun is scaling the trees and beams of light come through the forest and into my shelter. It is so warm on my face. I feel my frost nose thaw and a warm kiss of possibility and love for a new day upon my cheek. This was my meeting place with Jesus each morning. I would sit there and watch as the sun made its way past the tree line, I would sing and talk to my Father for hours until the morning bell. I sketched many sunrises and kept them under a bench for someone to find. Or for some curious squirrel to steal. I pondered for hours about God and I gave up so much to Him, I lied myself before Him, wanting Abba to work in me. There were some people within the camp on my heart that were deep in my prayers and when I could not think of anything to pray, I would just surrender them to God and let Him care for His children. 

All this occurred and it was just past 7....now to head back I suppose. I gather everything and hide away my new sketch. The gazebo door closes and disturbs the silence for a moment. It reminds me that sound still exists here. I had found such a Holy place. A cursed ground of weeds and holes. An old structure falling a part. I saw a section of Eden. The remains of what beauty was and had been. And each morning the sun reveals to me it's true beauty. For a second the curse is lifted and I see the garden and the golden temple and the screen windows are stained glass while the ground is even and well kept. This is a blessed land and it was worth every chilly wake up and push out of bed. I redefined 'morning person,'I think.     

in this night. in this day

"At midnight I rise to praise you [Lord], because of your righteous ordinances. I am a companion of all who fear you, of those who keep your precepts [commands]. ---Psalm 119:62-63

My prayer

There are times, Lord,

when it is good for me to be alone with you,

to contemplate my life, to reaffirm my need for you and your care for me,

and to listen to your heartbeat. 

I need to be quiet,

for in quietness I find you.

But there are also times when I need to be immersed in community,

to have vital connections with those around me,

to feel their needs, and to share my own needs with them.

I need to be in fellowship, for in community I also find you.

Amen.

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." ---Psalm 118:24

 Prayer

Today, Lord,

don't let my day pass without

savoring one or more of the following:

the feeling of a hug or smile from someone I love;

the sights of creation from flowers,

trees and animals

to a sunset or moon rise;

the taste of a favorite flavor or smell;

the sound of a song I enjoy singing or listening to;

the sense of accomplishment I feel from a job well done;

the uniqueness of this day you've given to me.

Amen.

"Christ"mas

"Ho ho ho....Merry Christmas."

The warmth of the holidays is coming, the gifts, the family gatherings, the sleepless night before Christmas day....
I always found it strange though. In my house, we would have the whole clan over for fellowship and reading the Word and reflecting on the star and the three kings, the virgin and the carpenter, the animals, the manger, the angel and baby Jesus. This is the first chapter of His life on the earth and among a broken world. What a strange transition I'm sure it was for Him!
But here's the twist! Then everyone leaves and I remember going to bed dreaming                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           of Santa, and all the gifts.
Where did Jesus go? I woke up and there was this new theme in the house. PRESENTS!!!! Mine, mine mine!!
Santa came and the house was in uproar of scrambling children racing to open bags and wrappings. So I guess Jesus was just waiting for us at the church for the Christmas service afterwards!?

What is Christmas to you? What is it really?

This is the figure of the King.

The Lord's Son.

Prince of peace,

lover of all,

our friend,

the One that came to die,

the freeing spirit,

Jesus Christ.

God gave His best to us!

He was God's way to bring perfect love to a cursed world. 

To come in flesh, 

to relate to His lost children again, 

to be connected to us forever,

to example discipleship. 

He had human strength, but a Spirit of perfect light.

He loved like His Father.

He came into this world as a child, and left an ultimate lover, then came back a Lamb and He is our Savior.

Christmas isn't what had happened. It's not history! Just like everything about God... it didn't 'happen'!

IT. IS. HAPPENING.

Jesus continues on, God continues on. Why worship a dead god? An absent god? That's kinda pointless!

God is here, right now as I write this. And 50 years as I come across it again. He is present in everything, every season, every Christmas. Watching us as we learn about His Son and the birth and great miracles that happened on this night. The love in that place. 

Jesus, you saved us all. So each year we celebrate your birth and your life and purpose and worthiness for all praise. You are thriving...

What is Christmas to you? What is it really?

My Quest

13 days.....

50 bracelets....

Challenge accepted!

My school's Christian leadership group needs funds for the holiday approaching so that we can go out into the community and help out. Lucky for them, I am quite crafty I think, or at least they are convinced that I am....so they asked me to make some bracelets to sell. 

Not too tricky! 

This was our conversation :

"How many do you think I should make?"

"About 50 would be great..."

"Okay, so when do you need them?"

"In 13 days...!"

"oh."

So I have my supplies and my thinking cap on, how do I produce that many bracelets?

 

On each one there is going to be a verse attached and I will pray over it for whoever ends up wearing it. 

I am so glad that I am doing this. This sort of job is just what I needed.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for
and certain  of what we do not see.
[Hebrews 11:1]

Phew, one finished.....

49 to go.

 

Just breath

I was out running a few days ago.
I was thinking about what to call God in that day and in prayer. Who was He to me in that time. I couldn't think of a verse, a book, a word in my heart that best described Him.
And in all this thought, I had stopped focusing on my breathing....and in running that is a very useful thing to pay attention to.
Then I remembered something that a dear friend of mine had told me.

"The Hebrew name Yahweh isn't pronounced the way we pronounce it. In it's original language it is so holy that the people don't speak it, and if its pronounced properly then its a breathing sound.....Every time you breath, think about how you are proclaiming the name of God in its original language, a holy name. With every breath you are calling on His power and confessing His glory."

Some days I call Him, Creator, artist, Father, friend, lover, Bridegroom, Jesus, God, brother, Being, Word, Almighty, Abba......but in that day, I only breathed. Every time I inhaled I was acknowledging His presence in my life. Then holding in that breath, He was filling me with a fire, a great Spirit. Then with every exhale, I was speaking His name. Not a Psalm, or not any other name spoken could of made that time more Holy.

My Vow

"Open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me."  [Acts 26:18]

 May He kiss me with the kisses of His mouth! For Your love is better the wine. [Song of Solomon 1:2] 
I am never to be drunk from wine, but to be filled with Your spirit, that is my life. 

"I wait for the Lord. my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope."  [Psalm 130:3-5]

Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.  [Acts 13:38]

Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for His compassion never fails.
They are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."
[Lamentations 3:22-24]

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  

[Romans 8:1]

"If I stumble You won't condemn my shame. I'm going to make my vow to repent and turn to You." 

I bless those who trust me. They will be like trees growing beside a stream - trees with roots that reach down to the water, and with leaves that are always green. they bear fruit every year and are never worried by lack of rain.  [Jeremiah 17:7-8]

I will thank You, Lord,

with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous 

things You have done.

I will be filled with joy because of You.

I will sing praise to Your

name, O Most High.

[Psalm 9:1-2]

And every day that I did not who You, You have known me.

You can fill me with life even now, because You are life!

Give me understanding, and I will keep Your law and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of Your commandments, for there I find delight.....fulfill Your promise to Your servant, so that You may be feared..... Preserve my life in Your righteousness....Your salvation according to Your promise. 

[Psalm 119:33-44]

Jesus,
because You call my name, I come.
To You, I am not too much to handle.
Dad! The spirit or revelation. The spirit of truth. You make me clean, You made me pure again. 

What are we remembering?

'We expected to die. But as a result, we learned not to rely on ourselves, but on God who can raise the dead. And He did deliver us from mortal danger. And we are confident that He will continue to deliver us.' [2 Corinthians 1:9-10]

So over the weekend I went to church.... not suppose to be a shock or anything, but this service was great I think, so I'm writing about it!
It was remembrance day! I wasn't really feeling God in that time. The morning was long and tedious and the service started slow.
So God decided to give me a wake up call!

this is the red poppy and the white 'peace' poppy which I proudly wear

We had two amazing story tellers in that room. They were a part of the church already, and I was amazed by what they shared. Joan Eldon, who is an English women, came to the front. She is a very tiny women, with a delicate body and a surprisingly heavy hand bag. She approached the stand and talked about her experience in the war, what role she had there. She was a wife to a man surviving in this battle and she was on the home front in England. Her life was filled with challenges, but she remained calm and serene. I could see in her eyes though, the stories still untold. The terrors flashing in her pupils. Joan is an elderly women and she forgot from time to time what she was talking about, but I just loved listening to her.
At this time, while she was going back to her seat, I found myself riffling through the book of Psalms.

"For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life." [56:13]

And this is what I began to write....
There must first be evil in the world, before creating good.
There must be unjust times, to be able to bring justice forth.
There cannot be a peacemaker without a war.
And in this verse,
God cannot deliver us if we do not first stumble.
If there wasn't a war, then we wouldn't ask for peace! Or peacemakers...
If the world was so well off, we would of never met Jesus!
Without sin, I don't think we would of had the chance to encounter grace.

We know we will stumble. In fact, God promises us that we will stumble.'On this earth you will have many trials and sorrow.' but then in the same breath He spoke the words... 'But take heart! because I have overcome the world.' [John 16:33]
Ya! God is deep! It amazes me that He knows what has, is and still is to come. He knows the ending. When we are left in the unknown and confusion, Abba, gives us the insight through the Word. He tells us He knows. So, knowing that God already sees what will happen to each of us, brings me comfort, because I trust Him. He is good. Without there first being evil, He was good!!! Isn't that so great?

'For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the scriptures, we might have hope.' [Romans 15:4]

The other speaker that morning, was James Van Pelt. He is from Holland. His home and land and family had been corrupted by this war. He was a young boy, trapped in a battle that had no victory, because it was a fight created through hatred not through the desire of liberation. Honestly though....that was all I really got from that! His accent was very thick and I am terrible with accents for the life of me! But the things I was able to grasp, was that it was quite traumatic and in that time, he became so dependent on God. I wanted to talk to him after, but I didn't see how that would be possible with his speech. Darn!
Another verse hit me in psalms again!

"They spread a net for my feet - I was bowed down in distress. They dug a pit in my path - but they have fallen into it themselves." [57:6]

This evil that we hear ever year on this day, through the weeks arriving and following it. Such horror and brokenness. So many things not of God! But He takes these things, this sin that we host in our hearts and to Him He uses it. These times, He teaches us and loves us and says... I'm here, I'm molding you. I will save you when the time is right, I will come....My precious daughter Joan, I will help you! My strong son, James. I have never left you!
That it what I choose to believe in every part of me.
God asks us to trust Him in this hard time. In a time of war and hurt, because He will bring out something good through you. He has a plan, I know that if He did not, then He would step in and stop the unjust.....He has that power!
God in that day, in that hour, that moment spent to remember, I remember Your love for Your children. I remember the innocent and the guilty. We all need You, we all seek Your face. A pureness,  where there is no war, no brokenness....just You.

thoughts of a roof dweller

The sky has many meanings to people. It can resemble some kind of luck, like the saying, "red sky at night, sailors delight", to others it can be  more symbolic, like in Romeo and Juliet. "star crossed lovers," which meant when shooting stars crossed, it was a bad sign. 

my roof

To me, I think the sky is the closest thing on this earth to God. It has so many patterns and forms. It is a space that is untouchable, it is air. I ponder about it's dimensions and textures that are always  forming and then changing so quickly. No picture is able to capture it's true beauty. Just like God. It is a physical view of God. No face, no explanation, just color and life. It is an emotion, an energy. It can make itself looked to be feared and it can look inviting. It holds the power of the storms and every ray of sun. The distance of this territory is infinite, just like Him. 

Jesus painting

As much as you may be able to study this realm, it can never be conquered! It is constantly changing, making new plans form for us all, below it. It is never hard to see. It is there. Above, waiting to be looked at. And even in the most gloomy days, it is still so glorious.

This is where we go to see it. To reach out. To try and fathom how the colors are layered so perfectly and each time the wind blows the trees look like they're dancing on this canvas. This roof is a place, a meeting with God. A conversation without any words. Each time I think I have unraveled one mystery of Him, the sun sets and the colors fade along with my grasp of His understanding. 

best thing to do in the morning!

lucky birds! I want to be up there too.

This is where I dwell, where my heart finds itself some moments. On a roof, a very small and rigid roof top. I talk and listen and absorb the sky. Every ray, every chilly breeze is one more taste of God. The sky reminds me of my Father.

What in this world reminds you of Abba? 

 

Within the Inner World, but Not Apart of it.

I am a bird in a cage.
A bird of colors unlike a peacock or hummingbird....these colors once danced on my back and came to life, it was love, it was the ability to come and go. Until I was placed in this cage. It is small and grey. The floors are tile and the bars are barbed wire. It is a home that I am forced to house in. It is a place where my colors are striped.
Oh please sun, sunlight and sunshine, which falls through the little window in the corner of this room, which my cage is placed in. Spread vastly and touch my wings which stretch out to meet you each morning. I hear the call of my comrades as they search for me. I am not of this place. I do not belong here in this house, within this cage of rust and grey. These people stare at me, they admire my colors. I want to be set free so that my pastels of orange, green and yellow, and the bright contrasts of blue and purple that spike my spine will be revealed to them, my true beauty, but first I must stay in here. Waiting.
Wanting so much more.
I hear whispers. Hopes and desires of a sky again. Of blue and ivory, of wind and warmth. I wonder if it has changed much out there, but more I wonder if I have. I stare at this tile and wire and the copper walls that are built around my cage. I must escape, I must fly again. I do not belong in this dwelling! I am not the peacock or hummingbird.....these colors must be set free to dance on my back once more. Wait! the door is open.....
Do I enter the unknown? For I have gotten so used to this cage! I know its corners and its dimensions, how can I leave it? The opportunity is there in front of me, but I must gather some courage and go forth beyond this grey, to create a world of uncertainty. That is where things start to get colorful again!

Revolution!

Okay, this is a rant! Ranting.To rant. As in I have so much passion ragging inside, I may burst if I don't write!

I am trying to wrap my mind around what I want to do with my life after high school! For the longest time I wanted to be a Vet technical, cut, dry, black and white...that would be my life. But then this summer my heart went on a journey. I experienced a new taste of life. I was introduced to a freeing dance, a beautiful song, and glorious adventure with Christ. I discovered Spirit, love, community, brokenness and feeling. I got a small glimpse of a real life with God. Growing up I was always told to never label myself, but all my life I had been labeling myself as a 'Christian' But what does this mean, who is a Christian?

'One who professes in the teachings of Jesus Christ.'

That's the definition! To profess, means to affirm openly; declare or claim. So in other words. A Christian is someone who declares the teachings of Jesus. Well, I had never done that before, so how can I call myself this?
I fashioned myself a new word.
Follower.
I am a follower of Jesus.
So what does this look like? Jesus' disciples abandoned everything to follow Him. Jesus was homeless! It says somewhere in the Word, 'foxes have holes and birds have nests, but the SON of Man has no place to lay His head.' The world  hated Him. But He overcame the world! People hated his disciples, but they hated Jesus first! These followers were beaten and arrested at times, but it says in Acts, "the prison doors flew open and everyone's chains came loose." Through Jesus they were never safe, but they were saved! If that makes any sense what so ever, keep reading.....

"I spread out my hands to you, my soul thirsts for you like a parched land."                      -Psalm 143:6 

I want more of this. I want to learn about the bible. I want to go and live an uncomfortable life, meaning that I never am comfortable with this world. I want to keep moving and changing and being formed and reformed by God. Living in discomfort will allow me to keep leaning on Jesus. I never want to be a stranger to the Lord. I want to go where no one wants to be. I want to travel and spread His love like a wild fire. I want to be a precious vessel for Jesus' messages to be stored for the world to hear. I want God to use me to speak to others. I want to be a light in the darkest places and a friend to the enemies of society. I want to hate only sin and love the sinners. I want to teach and I want to learn! I hope to go far with all this.... I am so tore up about it though!
There are so many avenues and restrictions. I have to choose what to study. I must choose a church (United, Baptist, Anglican, ect.) If I study under on ministry I can never go into another! I know in my heart that Jesus wouldn't care which roof of a church I stood under spreading the Gospel! As long as I did it with truth from the Word and in His name. I am angry when I go to church! I hate how it has become a tradition, and not a desire! I look around and see people with straight faces and ya, they're all singing along and saying the prayers out loud, but that's all they seem to be doing. No passion! We stand and sing, then sit and listen and in all that, nothing occurs in our hearts. I don't know how else to express all this!

"May my cry come before you, O Lord, give me understanding according to your Word." Psalm 119:169 

I want this to change. I want to be able to communicate the Gospel to others. I want God's people to rise up and take what they have learned and live it out. I want to see the church as a small child....dancing freely. Moving and glowing with strength through Abba, our Father. I want to develop a prayer language even further. I desire this, I WANT to plan this! I hope to one day look back and know that I have accomplished something. I am filled with a madness right now. A ridiculous joy of frustration and gladness. I am lifting my arms heavenward and absorbing the Lord's presence in this place. I want Him to guide me in the best direction. My life has been such a 'revolution'.

"a sudden, complete or unmarked change in something."

And like Emma Goldman said, "If I can't dance, then it's not my revolution." I relate to this. I feel as though I am so free. I have this hunger of endless velocity. I want every opportunity to pray for others, to speak about God, to go places and see great sites of His love for my international brothers and sisters.
Now all I must do is put an area of study to this. Sounds simple, but it is far from it! I don't know where to head. I am searching still. I have what I need in my heart and I have Jesus, so now I just need a direction......

Where do I go from here?

"O Lord, you have searched me and known me....You discern [recognize] my thoughts from far away." ---Psalm 139:1-2 

Sustain or not sustain, that is the question.

I went to a grocery store a few days ago and my mum and I stocked up on so much stuff! We got 3 cases of pop, 2 loafs of bread, and heaps and heaps of other foods.... I didn't think much about it, it was what to do when you go out to the super market. Look out for sales, stock up on everything, buy WAY more then you really need...ect. But, I started to think....why? I haven't heard any news that the earth was coming to an end and we'd all have to live off of food rations for months at a time! So why then did I find myself picking up two loafs of bread? Is it questioning that God will not provide me with what I need?
When we start to rely way too much on ourselves we may one day ask, "Who is God?" because we'd be depending on ourselves for food and other needs.

' Give me neither poverty, nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, "Who is the Lord?" '  ---proverbs 30:8-9

I feel that when I accumulate so much stuff, I, without thinking about it, am actually doubting that God will provide me with my daily bread. I am trying to remember that followers of Jesus are told to abandon everything. To trust in God alone for providence. So when I am buying way more then I need, I am forgetting to trust God. Now, money and time management come into play and I get that! I understand there is only some many times in a month that can be spent at the super market, and the price of food is peaking. I also know that these are earthly worries, they are doubts and questioning. Knowing Jesus, knowing His Father, knowing His promises, I refuse to worry whether or not I get to the store or not, for God will provide me with my daily bread.
A friend shared with me an example she had related to this. God wants to give us so much. He has a huge pantry with all good things to eat, crunchy peanutbutter especially! But He doesnt just open the doors, telling us to go in and take for ourselves! No! He wants to hand us the crunchy peanutbutter. He wants to give to us our daily bread. God wants to have this connection with His children. He wants to be a part of all aspects of our lives.
So when we allow Jesus to be the giver, when we ask Him for our providence, then we are truly trusting that He will fulfill our daily needs.
Food for thought!

 

only for a while.

I went up to Ontario Pioneer Camp to spend a weekend with my friend, Aliesha. Such a great time and a great break from the crazy world of city and school and blah stuff.

this is what happened.....

packed car.

3 hours later.

arrive in Muskoka.

get lost momentarily.

find Liesh.

bear hug!

unpack.

bible study!!!

around midnight.

talking occurred.

here ends Thursday.

morning breaks.

meet heaps of people.

my sister through Christ.

met the OE team.

beautiful people.

felt soooooo welcomed. 

friend had to work.

her job is awesome!!!

took the group on a wilderness course and rock climbing.

noon.

work ended. YAY!

hike time....

went to Narnia.

looking out from the cliff at Devine Lake

went to the Devine cliffs.

this place was GLORIOUS!

went back. 

this day was a bit of a blur! cant remember much more! 

um.....

played some great games with her team there.

these people are crazy! 

I think I love them a lot.

laughed our pants off.

had a purple freezie! 

Manny, Aliesha, Me and Jonas

yum!

bedtime doesn't really exist. 

prayed and prayed.

Friday.

wow. what even happened?

okay I'm combining fri/sat :)

Went for a mud run.

consists of running through mud! duh...

turned into rolling in the mud.

washed off in the lake.

so cold. 

bike ride back to the camp.

even colder.

steamy shower. awwww. 

lunch!

found out Liesh's boss is so great. 

I thought she was right behind me

Stole his Swedish meet ball. 

huzzah!!!!

Building a great family here...

another friend came over to the camp.

Alida!!!!

tried to make a fire.

it was raining.

cedar burns when wet. who knew.??

(I did)

smores are Delicious. 

went inside to get warm.

snuggle party!

huge game night!

more purple freezies!

learnt a German game.

it's in between 'apples to apples' and picturica.

hilarious time with these people. 

even less sleep.

Sunday came....

went to church. 

very different from my church!

I liked most parts.

I want the church to stand up as one.

saw parents.

had great convos with Liesh and the others I have gotten to know.

such passion upon these people.

went back.

ate.

hiked.

saw some deer!

packed up.

some of the people there didn't realize I was leaving!

aw...

I love them all so much!

drove home. 

here concludes a time spent at OPC.

a piece of my heart is still up there.

it has always been there.

and it will always be.

This was only for a minute in my life, but a memory for all eternity. 

Thank You!

For thanksgiving, my family and I went up to the lake. It is a rather small lake, but filled with so much to do. I love packing for the cottage, it took me 5 minutes to throw as much as I could in a very small bag and grab my book and my ipod and off we went. The start of a great adventure....I have many of those at Thannet Lake. My brother and grandpa went up ahead of the rest of us and my mum, dad and I tagged along after. It was so dark when we arrived and I love that the most, because the first morning being up there feels like Christmas. I leave my warm cozy bed and peer around the corner into the hallway and make my way to the living area to see out the glass door and view the beauty of outside. Thank you!
The trees are so old there, they stand very tall and wise. I like to think that the tips of these trees have not yet been touched by human hands, but they are grasped by God every time the wind blows. Thank you!
I feel most at home here, in this place there is such peace. Our lives up here are never peaceful, there's just so much excitement! I do feel Abba everywhere in this place though. In the trees and the smells, the animals that come and greet me and the waters of the lake. I could go on, it's quite easy to do. Thank you!

There is such freedom. Thank you!
I found myself out on the trails this weekend. I would take one of my dogs and a radio...and no socks! I would ATV through as many of these trails as I could find, and surprise the deer and scare away the wild turkeys with the rev of the engine. It was so fun and my dogs enjoyed it a lot. Thank you!
Then around sun set on the last evening there, I came to the top of a great hill and looked over the trees and the few cabins. I saw the sun settle down far past these trees. It was getting cold out, but the heat off of the ATV was keeping me warm. The sky was golden with smears of purple and clusters of orange. I looked up at this sight and felt like I had been so distracted by racing by on this vehicle that I had been missing out on the true beauty found in this land and sky and water there. I turned off the engine and huddle on the ground with my dog and watched for a while as the sun continued to fall from the sky. We kept each other warm and I kept my bare feet against her fur coat so they wouldn't fall off!
That was the best!
Thank you!
I felt Jesus there with me in that moment. A time to be still and calm. I started thinking about what Autumn is to me. I thought about Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. In my bathroom at home, the wall paper shows four different scarecrows in the four seasons with four different captions underneath each one. It is from these verses...

'There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.'

---Ecc. 3:1
This relates to every season, but the Fall stands out the most to me. I don't know why, it just does and i love that mystery. I think the closest I've ever gotten to answering this, is that I have never seem a more beautiful sight of dying! Everything around me in this season is dying, is expiring! It's time again for the frost to come and these leaves and plants fall and break down. But to me, it is the most amazing death ever. It is a time every year, that is so brief that I hold onto every memory. Watching everyday for more and more leaves to change and then fall.

I am so thankful for this season. All that takes place in this time.
I went home and de-thawed my toes for an hour, but kept thinking of that time I spent. Without a doubt it was the best Thanksgiving ever! I adore that place and the people I shared that weekend with. Thanks be to Him...our great Creator.

 

you are....

you are LOVED.

you are BEAUTIFUL.

you are PRECIOUS.

you are WORTHY.

you are PURE.

you are CLEAN.

you are STRONG.

you are WISE.

you are JOYFUL.

you are FREE.

you are SPECIAL.

you are BELOVED.

you are NEW.

you are ADORED.

you are REDEEMED.

you are CHILD.

you are FRIEND.

you are LOVER.

you are BRIDE.

you are HIS!!!!!

you are His and only His and through Him these things are TRUE. Such truth in Him...Know always that Jesus is praying for you. He is so many things to you and you are so many things to Him. 

ABBA, I BELONG TO YOU

ABBA, I BELONG TO YOU

ABBA, I BELONG TO YOU.

'He is your strength. You and Him are one. (John 15) He loves you and you are worth it.'

 you are ONE.

'I belong to my beloved and His desire is for me.'

---Song of Songs 7:10

 you are ENOUGH.

Called to this...

'The more I get to know Jesus, the more trouble He seems to get me into.'

We as Christians, as followers, were not put on this earth to take the easy way out. I want to do that all the time. I see something and I don't want to say or do what God has put in my heart to do. I was thinking about my past blogs and standing strong in my faith. Reflecting on this, I was terrified to go and talk to that girl in math class, but Jesus wouldn't leave me alone. I wanted to stay in my seat slouched over my work and ignore Him.

Christians are not called to be cool. We are called to be extraordinary.

I was looked at in every negative way, because I was doing something that isn't seen a lot in my school. These people want to beat you down, to take you from God, because they do not understand this Light and how followers of Christ can love one another without a question.

 'They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me.'                                                                                                        ---Psalm 129:2 

Jesus holds our victory, He holds all the cards. We must not choose the safe route, we must follow Him.

'The God I have come to know, a God who is not safe, but a God who is good.'

 I was thinking about Jane and Finch today. I want to go back there. I know it could be dangerous, but I will go there with Jesus. The Scripture says that we must not fear the things which can destroy the body, but we are to fear that which can destroy the soul. (Matt. 10:28)

'I have come to see that we Christians are not called to safety, but we are promised that God will be with us when we are in danger, and there is no better place to be than in the hands of God.'

Shane Clayborne says, 'perhaps the most dangerous place for a Christian to be is in safety and comfort!' When I was looking at all my socks before I wrote about them, I was envisioning how this could play out. That maybe I could do something at school to raise the questions of why I was doing it, to explain and bring awareness to the seriousness of poverty. To put myself on the spot in front of my pears and stubble over every word, so that my brothers and sisters would have their voices heard by many.

'Christians should be troublemakers, creators of uncertainty, agents of a dimension in-compatible with society.'                ---French theologian, Jacques Ellul

I am also dealing with a lot of hatred being tossed around about different cultures and their beliefs...but then I thought of another thing I heard, 'but you are our brother, and we will take care of you. We take care of everyone - Christians, Muslim, Iraqi, American....It doesn't matter, we are all human beings. We are all sisters and brothers.' I have it set in my head that these are people, plain and simple. People that have just heard a different interpretation of God. Me also! Like the story of The 'Tower of Babel', everyone had the same language at one point, but then God introduced different languages. So like that, they had slightly different ways of explaining things and maybe the same God which I love and follow, is in each of the other religions out there, but just in a different form because of evolution.
And trying to explain this and how I feel is difficult because I often think of others and their reactions, but to the ones that hate the words we all speak and hate us, I remember that they hated Jesus first and He has overcome the world. (John 15:18) So remember that God gave us these tongues so that we could speak and do His great work!

'Live real good, and get beat up real bad. Dance until they kill you, and then WE'LL dance some more.'

 YOU WALK IN HIS GLORY, YOU ARE NOT OF THIS WORLD JUST LIKE HE IS NOT OF THIS WORLD. (John 17) 

'He is with you, in you, beside you, ahead of you.'

DON'T SWEAT THE small STUFF

'Why are they looking at me?' 'Did I say something stupid?' 'Why do they pick on me?' 'It's not funny.' 'Is it my fault?'
We cannot handle our worries without Him.
I was in class and I couldn't believe all the gossiping that happens. Girls and guys, my peers, my siblings through Christ, blaming and trying to bring each other down to raise themselves up. I was frustrated with them and with myself. I know that I used to do that also. I used to care so much about what others did and I'd judge them. I felt like I was doing it now, being in that classroom, I was judging them because they were judging others...that doesn't make it any better. I was in the hallways after and declared, I want more of your peace Father. Calm my heart. And right there in front of everyone who was passing by, I raised my arms and received His peace. This great comfort and confidence that He wants us to have in Him.
For us to hand over all our worries.
'I give them to you God, I give them to YOU Oh, Great Being,'
That afternoon I was reflecting on what confidence is to me. How to be confident, what the word even means. The dictionary says,

Belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance.

As I was reading this I thought, "I NEVER want to be confident again. Or claim to be anyway!" But I do have confidence in the gifts God has blessed me with, I want confidence in my Lord alone! He will provide us with everything we need in this day. He is so faithful to us!
I know that He is there for me, because the Word tells me this. And sometimes I think about forgetting all this 'peace non-sense', and gossipping and hurting others. It can be fun and it is definitely easy to do. But then I think of  Matthew 26:52, which is Jesus saying to Peter, 'For all who draw a sword will die by the sword.' So what I got from that is, that even though it is easy to start hurting someone, whether it be of words or of a sword, it will lead to your downfall. Because God is a god of scandalous grace. Basically, Jesus is a King who loved evildoers so much that He died for them, teaching us that there is something worth dying for, but nothing worth killing for. Jesus dared me today, to come and follow Him, to take up my cross, to lose my life to find it, with the promises that life is more powerful then death and that it is more courageous to love our enemies then to kill them.
God is Peace and we are His Dekanawideh (peacemakers). 

'We are learning the Way of the Prince of Peace, and we are teaching this Way.'

---Shane Clayborne  

 

 

Holey or Holy Socks?

'Pray barefoot today, curling the toes and stretching heavenward. Lived with the heart of a child, each day is a whole-body celebration!'

This morning I went to my school to pray over it with our school's Christian leadership group. I'm the prayer and worship coordinator, so I was pumped!!! I arrived at 7:30 and it was very bitter out, but I was so excited to see this community and pray for such beautiful things to take place in our school. I was to close in prayer so I had to wait patiently to say everything on my heart. I remember saying, 'God I can't wait much longer!' A big smile was plastered on my face and my arms high above my head, searching for Him, reaching for Him, I was dancing with Abba more then I was listening to the many other beautiful prayers being spoken. It was such a blessed moment. I heard God answer me, saying, Be patient, I am giving you MANY words to say. I looked at the circle of people, of my brothers and sisters and I fell in love with them, with His people. Then finally it was my turn....

I couldn't stand still, Spirit had taken over and it was wonderful. I said all that he had told me and all that I had learnt and all that I wanted to see and learn and rejoice in as a community. Afterwards, everyone gathered for hot chocolate and timbits. I remember ending our prayer with 'Thank You Abba.'

'The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them away.'

This are half of my sock wardrobe

 I started thinking of all my blessings, of all the great things God had provided us with. The first thing that came to my mind was 'socks'! I looked down and saw my fluffy purple and yellow socks that were keeping my feet from freezing off. I thought about poverty, I thought about my suffering brothers and sisters. I thought about Jane and Finch and I thought about His love for ALL of my family. I wanted to love like that. I know at home I have dozens of pairs of socks, knowing that my little sister in Iraq or my older brother in Toronto doesn't. Something in me snapped and I decided that I am not going to wear any socks this winter. not one pair. I took off the socks I was wearing in that moment and was so joyful to look down at my feet afterwards. I want the rest of my family to have this luxury before I do. I don't know where this is going to take me, but I am going there with Jesus, and when we arrive, we'll be barefoot.

'Rather then accumulating stuff for oneself, followers of Jesus abandon everything, trusting in God alone for providence. The disciples start to get it, saying, 'We have left everything to follow You.'

Dear Diary

There is this guy at school, I don't see him all that much, but today I searched for him and I fell in love....

Jesus, is that guy! Today I saw Him. I fell in love with Him all over again. My great friend, my Beloved, my protector and my God.

'He will not leave us. He will not forsake us.'

A word that has stuck in my heart for the past week, has been 'HOPE'. My hope has strengthened, my love has deepened, my desire is so hungry for Him and my healing has taken lift. It has been a long winter, and this morning I realized that I don't have to 'feel' ready, I just have to be willing to pray this prayer. Christ will take care of the rest. He will change my heart. He will bring Spring and all the blooms of the Spirit.
I was in my room after school, thinking about my great encounter with my Lover. I couldn't even begin to think. I felt such love, such endless longing He has for me and all His beautiful daughters and sons and brothers and sisters and lovers and friends and followers and children. I couldn't stop giggling! Joy overflowed me, everything that went wrong in my day, everything that was filled with hatred and fear and all bad things not of Christ, just vanished. They fell beneath His feet, they never had power to begin with. And as I was thinking all of this, I decided that everyday is going to be *take our God to work day* I know that I can't do anything without Him, I can't go to school and sit there, listening to so much hurt being tossed around constantly and not have someone to lean on. Someone to help me, to carry me, to watch my footing as I walk down each long hallway. And knowing and accepting that I would not be able to go to school without Him...I feel at peace. I am placed in such joy when I ask for Him to step in and shield me. I am His bride. We are His bride.

Sincerely,
                      Your darling.

Jane and Finch

Today I went to Canada's Wonderland with my brother. We go every year for the annual reunion my camp hosts. It was so great, God blessed the conversations and was filled with gladness as we embraced one another. It was great to see this community, all these beautiful people rejoicing with each other. Jesus was so present there. My friend was a conqueror of the Leviathan and I danced with the wind as it blew through the park. it was a beautiful day. 

Soon that day had to come to a close and I was so pumped to do anything! My brother took us through this old neighbourhood to get to the 401. The houses turned into apartments, lined up along the road. The stores began to look run down and covered with graffiti. The people were many, but they moved like zombies. I looked at all these people, I saw searching eyes, thirsting for hope, hungry for love. My brother looked at the sign at the intersection and told me that this was the sketchiest place in Toronto. He told me to lock my door. I stared out my window and saw brokenness, these people, labelled as exiles, as the poor and needy. 

One person is beautiful....

Based on this intersection, there were stories and rumours, events and blaming thrown upon these people. These hurting people. There was so much hate there. Such lies placed on these children of the Lord. Given out to them, that they are nothing, that they are garbage thrown on the street and second-class citizens. I started to hear the word dust, that they were like dust, and God would make beautiful things out of this. They were a people, a people of great variety, because they were a people that would one-by-one run to their Father. I kept envisioning this. All they needed was the guidance and the support and the power that comes from community. Great strength, in placing ones burdens on a family.

'We are made in the image of a God who is community, a plurality of oneness'

---Shane Clayborne

however many is extravagant!!!!

My heart is broken for them, and I feel like it is the first step that needed to happen. I will not feel sorry for them, I will not belittle them, but my heart which is filled with Christ and His light that makes my life harder and harder, is broken. And that is good. This is breaking God's heart! I wanted to go out of my comfortable car and help this lady with her groceries. I wanted to add some colour to the school. I wanted to plant sunflowers in the churches' gardens and paint over all the graffiti on the walls of buildings. I imagined turning this place into a place of love, of safety and joy. To have these beautiful people laugh and run and search for Him. For their thirst to continue, but for it to be of God! This place has taken up such space in my heart, in my prayers. I love these people, because they are my hurting brothers and sisters, and God wouldn't want me to have overlooked them any longer. Not to drive through quickly. No! Because I am not ashamed of them...they are broken, but I am also, more even, because I know God and this makes life challenging and eye opening, but it is a brokenness that I never want to disappear. I never what to be ignorant towards any part of my family through Christ. 

A family will be messy somethings

'Following Jesus is simple, but not easy. Love until it hurts, and then love more.' 

---Mother Teresa

Jane and Finch, 'If you reach out for God, His power will reach into your life and defeat your daily battles.' Your amazing grace will come from the one of endless compassion and sustaining strength.

But then again it makes messy look good in groups.

So loved.