the last row

Today I was prepared to go to church with a different mindset then previous weeks.
This may sound new to a few of you, but I had been allowing the church to frazzle me and frustrate me and then that effected my connection with God in that place. My church looks beautiful and the people are kind and the services are lied out well and it would seem like a well circulated Sunday morning.

Pickering Village United Church

Let me back up a bit..... I used to go to our youth room on Sundays instead of hearing the sermon, then I developed a new hunger for God and for the meaning of community in church. I joined in fellowship upstairs and it started off a very foreign place for me and quite intimidating. I kept forcing myself to go upstairs to the service and after some time I noticed my heart being quenched from it's thirst and my passion and hunger being satisfied and challenged. I loved church again. I started to notice something with my peers downstairs, I was called overly religious. I didn't understand and this made me a little self-conscious. Then I started seeing others at church more. It was as if my fantasy of a perfect church had ended. I saw the couples in the back more focused on them then Christ, I saw the elders who were more busy with talking about what sales they got on fabric more then conversations about the scripture readings, and I saw people standing for worship as if it were a hassle. This saddened me greatly. I felt like I WAS being 'overly religious'. It was strange for others to see a girl with such a longing for God. I was looked at weirdly for running after the person collecting morning offering when he missed me. Eyes widened when I lifted my hands in prayer or swayed in worship. I wanted these others to enjoy this too, I wanted them to want to be there with Jesus. I didn't realized that people were looking at me like that. I slowly stopped dancing and I mumbled the words and I slurred the prayers and I just looked around at all the others there and I let the broken church conform me.

Now then, back to the real reason for this novel....I went and talked to a friend about all this and she shared with me a gentle and jolting truth. If I was really truly worshiping God in that building, it wouldn't matter to me what other people were doing, because me, one audience and one focus would be God. So I should stop judging the church, because even though she's messed up and broken, so am I and I'm a part of the church and all her problems. Yet God loves her anyway. I thought about this and thought about it some more and I decided to make another attempt at this church.
Today I was late actually and that was a little embarrassing  but I was there nevertheless. I crept in through the back door and boy did it squeak open. What an entrance, but I side stepped over to a seat in the last row. I usually sit in the front center or front right by the organ so that it drowns out my terrible unpracticed singing! This time I was away from everything. No one could see me and I only saw the backs of peoples heads. There was this one couple to the left of me and the man had the deepest most amazing vocal abilities. I think he swallowed a tuba at one point in his life!
Since I was late I didn't have the little book thing that tells everyone what is going to happen this morning....so I was fumbling, trying to organize my bible, it wasn't the best time. Then the tuba man's wife got up and retrieved a book thing off of a seat and she got one for me and that was such a delightful surprise. It sure brightened me up. The sermon today was optimism vs. pessimism. I thought God had something in store for me. I liked being at the back. I could see the people and how in sink we all were with standing for songs and reading aloud the prayers. I would usually sit where the only person I could see would be the Minister and I would only hear the people sing and speak, but now I saw the church. I saw her. I looked around once and it was like my vision had been tampered with. I was so joyful, I saw the small families and the new mothers with their noisy babies and the elders plopped down with their canes booby-trapping the aisles. I saw our Minister glance around at us all and I knew that coming was a fantastic idea. And when I wanted to dance, I danced and I loved every minute. From the back row, I saw us, I saw our community, and she was glorious, messy and imperfect. I long for next Sunday, I long for the last row again. I have so much space back there to dance and stretch heavenward with open arms. I feel like I am the last one in the church and this makes me feel like the first one in God's court. I don't need to be in the front, so that others can see me and how I choose to worship. Because I could be in a closet worshiping and God would still be there. He is my only audience, and I long to be there for God.
After service I went to the bathroom to freshen up and I remembered when that same friend who gave me such an exhilarating wake up call, had walked out of service once at a church we had gone to together. She had her own conflict and passion raging within her from the specific sermon that day and she had left and went into a bathroom to be alone with Jesus for a while. I looked in the mirror just laughing and laughing and thought, man, she is so overly religious! I am glad there are a few like us in every church, to ask the hard questions and provoke many others and crave discussion and express such passion for Christ in more uncommon ways. It is a term I believe I can get used to.

cannot keep you

This is just my opinion and it is an opinion that is messy and unfinished and still on it's own journey, so bare with me.

I do not understand the bible. I do not understand the church. I do not understand a rosary. I do not understand the temple. I do not understand the cross necklace which lies around my neck.
I do not understand these things, because they seem at times like they are constricting Christ. Like if one does not hold onto a rosary while praying then their prays are not heard! Why would I worship my Lord in a temple where other idols were kept? The bible tries at times to box Him in ( and when I say this, I mean that personally after reading my Bible I have this uncomfortable satisfaction that I am done with Abba for the day! ).
The church tries to keep God there, in their walls. We leave Him there until the next Sunday gathering. It seems sometimes that I am only identified as a Christian if I wear this cross. This piece of metal I carry. Why? I have questioned many times, "can I talk about God? I do not have my Bible! What if I do not say it like it is written?!"
Am I less of a follower if I do not go to church every Sunday and I do not flip open my bible everyday and I do not wear my cross? These things, these objects and places do not keep You! O, God, there is no one like you! 
A church cannot hold you, a cross cannot proclaim to the world, and the bible cannot keep you. We try to make you visible to see and understand. You are everything in me which is good. You are everywhere. You know me inside and out. We as Your children cannot hold you either. We can only embrace You. Experience You in this world until you make a new heaven and earth. I want to find you in places no one would think to look. I want to find you in the wars of this world. Go into the places of hatred and sorrow and find You. God is not kept in anything! He is just there. Everywhere, in every aspect of life, in all the good, bad and ugly. There is no boundaries on God. I don't really know what to think about all of this! God, in everything?, nothing is just me and me alone!? Nothing is kept from Him!? I cannot leave Him in a book, or keep Him in a tent. Nope, because no one is like the Lord. I want Him to heal me from my blindness so that I see Him as Almighty, not in these earthly forms. Stop trying to read Him and listen to others try to unfold Him. He is God. Nothing can unravel Him. I love the challenge though. The conversations with many....without verses and proof and Minister's controlling the path of our curiosity. I like just talking as if it is our first encounter with God, because then it is a silent prayer asking God to come into our conversations and teach us Him and His limitless knowledge.
I can't really put a conclusion to this, because then in this post I would be trying to keep Him.....and this is still developing.
Try to think of God in a more open way, without a lock and key after looking over a verse of hearing a sermon. Gain your own messy perspective and bring it before Him. Not through anyone else! and see what happens!

sacred promises

Today in church the sermon was about what a home is. Our Minister talked about Bethlehem, the place in which Jesus was born. The word Bethlehem means 'the house of bread', and that is what they sold there. Many small markets even today, selling bread and other foods. But there is another translation to this word, 'the house of war'. Bethlehem had been dealing with a lot of war in the time when Mary and Joesph were traveling. Cruel armies were invading and corrupting this land. The same land that this Holy child would be born into. This would become the newborn's home. But it was already known of, from a long time ago in the form a great dream that someone would bring peace to Bethlehem with the power from the Lord.

"But you, O Bethlehem Ephrathah, who are too little to be among the clans of Judah, from you shall come forth for me one who is to be ruler in Israel, whose coming forth is from of old, from ancient days. Therefore he shall be given them up until the time when she who is in labor has given birth; then rest of his brothers shall return to the people of Israel. And he shall stand and shepherd his flock in the strength of the Lord, in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God. And they shall dwell secure, for now he shall be great to the ends of the earth. And he shall be their peace."

It had been prophesied in the book of Micah about 700 years before the birth of Jesus.

It was known that this would happen and the town of Bethlehem would play host to the Messiah. Their most powerful and beautiful King! This was a dream which promised peace and inspired hope for the world and this place. Bethlehem is the home of sacred promises.

"There is no comfort anywhere for anyone who dreads to go home."  -Laura Ingalls Wilder

A home is a place of safety and in which takes many unique forms. The stable for Mary and Joesph was their home, the town of Bethlehem which was splitting apart in war, was a home to many. These people had a home still, even in this time before the Christ child was born, because of this ancient promise, this snibbit of scripture that proclaimed a great change and new life within a broken town.
I ask you all to think a little longer and a little deeper when you glance over these words. Bethlehem, a house of war, was the place God chose for His son to be born into. A home, where one chooses and longs to be in. It is curious how these two words interconnect.

Basically God

I have been thinking lately about the new year approaching and what I want this year to focus on. One thing stuck out to me, "the basics of God". The main and obvious and great things that is God and is always God.
For a while I had been so focused on stretching my horizon and knowledge of this Being, then I thought about it in a more abstract way. A new measure on God, perhaps going backwards with the same growing hunger would benefit me more right now.?

If I were building a grand tower, the first thing built would be a strong foundation, a basic structure. Then the other blocks and bricks and cement to be placed on top. That would be the more elegant stone and creative design. But, over time a once strong foundation becomes weak and brittle. It will crumble if it's not tended to. The builder of such a tower has become quite skilled at the more strategically placed stone, that the bottom seems far too easy to go back and work on. But it is the basic that supports everything else. If the builder does not return to the basics of her tower, then it will fall, taking everything else beautiful with it. It loses it's strength.
The basics of God, of who I am in Christ is so powerful. It encircles all that can be discovered past this realization. All the new things I learn, as amazing as they are, I could of never been able to grasp such a knowledge without first knowing the beginning. Genesis! [1:27] I am made in His image, I am perfect in the sight of God.... Knowing also that God goes with me in trouble and ciaos [Deut. 31:6] The truth in knowing that God will fight for me [Exodus 14:14].....understanding what He asks of me in return! [Ex. 20:1-17] God's name is good, He brings my hope [Psalm 52:9]. To know His son and why He came! [John 3:16].
Simple verses that gave me an idea of who this Being was. An insight to a deeper way of living. Through the basic, I have found such beauty in Him and all His glorious works. Learning new things about God is so great, but there has to be a foundation for it to be placed on. To reflect back on and compare and identify with. God is not simple, He, in fact, has about 4 different dimensions, so I think that without going back and reviewing verses and stories such as these, there couldn't be a stronghold on anything new! Like in history, it must be known before anything else can exist.

Waking in the circle...

I miss camp so much right now, it makes my heart sore! I was thinking about the mornings. Up the hill in the pioneer circle. I went every morning to the archery field at 4am. My chalet mates caught on after some time and thought I was mad to just naturally wake up and willingly leave a warm bed to go into the cold air waiting outside. I loved this most though, I needed to be with Jesus then. Here is one of these mornings....

I wake and the cabin is dark. I peer up and see the opening at the front of the chalet, it is blue from outside, the sun in getting ready to journey heavenward. I slowly climb out of bed without waking anyone. Must. Get. Socks! Okay, and my sweats and thermals. Check and check. I take my bible and pen and tip-toe across the wood floor and down the steps. I go over the many roots that grab at my feet and trip me, far too often. I look up from the ground and see mist. It is hovering over the trail. I look to the right and see a deer in the forest staring at me, he keeps eating, while I keep walking on. The field is so open and green. The large gazebo looks like a most elegant temple. It is so grand and tall. It lays on top of a large rock. I feel strong when I place my feet on this solid rock. I feel like I just walked into His throne room. I sit and face east and view the trees. The sky is pink and orange now. The sun is scaling the trees and beams of light come through the forest and into my shelter. It is so warm on my face. I feel my frost nose thaw and a warm kiss of possibility and love for a new day upon my cheek. This was my meeting place with Jesus each morning. I would sit there and watch as the sun made its way past the tree line, I would sing and talk to my Father for hours until the morning bell. I sketched many sunrises and kept them under a bench for someone to find. Or for some curious squirrel to steal. I pondered for hours about God and I gave up so much to Him, I lied myself before Him, wanting Abba to work in me. There were some people within the camp on my heart that were deep in my prayers and when I could not think of anything to pray, I would just surrender them to God and let Him care for His children. 

All this occurred and it was just past 7....now to head back I suppose. I gather everything and hide away my new sketch. The gazebo door closes and disturbs the silence for a moment. It reminds me that sound still exists here. I had found such a Holy place. A cursed ground of weeds and holes. An old structure falling a part. I saw a section of Eden. The remains of what beauty was and had been. And each morning the sun reveals to me it's true beauty. For a second the curse is lifted and I see the garden and the golden temple and the screen windows are stained glass while the ground is even and well kept. This is a blessed land and it was worth every chilly wake up and push out of bed. I redefined 'morning person,'I think.     

in this night. in this day

"At midnight I rise to praise you [Lord], because of your righteous ordinances. I am a companion of all who fear you, of those who keep your precepts [commands]. ---Psalm 119:62-63

My prayer

There are times, Lord,

when it is good for me to be alone with you,

to contemplate my life, to reaffirm my need for you and your care for me,

and to listen to your heartbeat. 

I need to be quiet,

for in quietness I find you.

But there are also times when I need to be immersed in community,

to have vital connections with those around me,

to feel their needs, and to share my own needs with them.

I need to be in fellowship, for in community I also find you.

Amen.

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." ---Psalm 118:24

 Prayer

Today, Lord,

don't let my day pass without

savoring one or more of the following:

the feeling of a hug or smile from someone I love;

the sights of creation from flowers,

trees and animals

to a sunset or moon rise;

the taste of a favorite flavor or smell;

the sound of a song I enjoy singing or listening to;

the sense of accomplishment I feel from a job well done;

the uniqueness of this day you've given to me.

Amen.

"Christ"mas

"Ho ho ho....Merry Christmas."

The warmth of the holidays is coming, the gifts, the family gatherings, the sleepless night before Christmas day....
I always found it strange though. In my house, we would have the whole clan over for fellowship and reading the Word and reflecting on the star and the three kings, the virgin and the carpenter, the animals, the manger, the angel and baby Jesus. This is the first chapter of His life on the earth and among a broken world. What a strange transition I'm sure it was for Him!
But here's the twist! Then everyone leaves and I remember going to bed dreaming                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           of Santa, and all the gifts.
Where did Jesus go? I woke up and there was this new theme in the house. PRESENTS!!!! Mine, mine mine!!
Santa came and the house was in uproar of scrambling children racing to open bags and wrappings. So I guess Jesus was just waiting for us at the church for the Christmas service afterwards!?

What is Christmas to you? What is it really?

This is the figure of the King.

The Lord's Son.

Prince of peace,

lover of all,

our friend,

the One that came to die,

the freeing spirit,

Jesus Christ.

God gave His best to us!

He was God's way to bring perfect love to a cursed world. 

To come in flesh, 

to relate to His lost children again, 

to be connected to us forever,

to example discipleship. 

He had human strength, but a Spirit of perfect light.

He loved like His Father.

He came into this world as a child, and left an ultimate lover, then came back a Lamb and He is our Savior.

Christmas isn't what had happened. It's not history! Just like everything about God... it didn't 'happen'!

IT. IS. HAPPENING.

Jesus continues on, God continues on. Why worship a dead god? An absent god? That's kinda pointless!

God is here, right now as I write this. And 50 years as I come across it again. He is present in everything, every season, every Christmas. Watching us as we learn about His Son and the birth and great miracles that happened on this night. The love in that place. 

Jesus, you saved us all. So each year we celebrate your birth and your life and purpose and worthiness for all praise. You are thriving...

What is Christmas to you? What is it really?

My Quest

13 days.....

50 bracelets....

Challenge accepted!

My school's Christian leadership group needs funds for the holiday approaching so that we can go out into the community and help out. Lucky for them, I am quite crafty I think, or at least they are convinced that I am....so they asked me to make some bracelets to sell. 

Not too tricky! 

This was our conversation :

"How many do you think I should make?"

"About 50 would be great..."

"Okay, so when do you need them?"

"In 13 days...!"

"oh."

So I have my supplies and my thinking cap on, how do I produce that many bracelets?

 

On each one there is going to be a verse attached and I will pray over it for whoever ends up wearing it. 

I am so glad that I am doing this. This sort of job is just what I needed.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for
and certain  of what we do not see.
[Hebrews 11:1]

Phew, one finished.....

49 to go.

 

Just breath

I was out running a few days ago.
I was thinking about what to call God in that day and in prayer. Who was He to me in that time. I couldn't think of a verse, a book, a word in my heart that best described Him.
And in all this thought, I had stopped focusing on my breathing....and in running that is a very useful thing to pay attention to.
Then I remembered something that a dear friend of mine had told me.

"The Hebrew name Yahweh isn't pronounced the way we pronounce it. In it's original language it is so holy that the people don't speak it, and if its pronounced properly then its a breathing sound.....Every time you breath, think about how you are proclaiming the name of God in its original language, a holy name. With every breath you are calling on His power and confessing His glory."

Some days I call Him, Creator, artist, Father, friend, lover, Bridegroom, Jesus, God, brother, Being, Word, Almighty, Abba......but in that day, I only breathed. Every time I inhaled I was acknowledging His presence in my life. Then holding in that breath, He was filling me with a fire, a great Spirit. Then with every exhale, I was speaking His name. Not a Psalm, or not any other name spoken could of made that time more Holy.